i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
