If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
