As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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