I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
whose ass print is on the piano?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
