I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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