I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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