my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
