Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
