The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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