I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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