My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
