Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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