Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
