There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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