Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
