the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
