you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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