my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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