Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
