as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
