Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
