The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
