"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
