it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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