I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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