I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
