Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
