On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
