the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize