I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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