i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize