Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
