i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
