grandma shit on top of the toilet
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
