im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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