I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
