I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
