I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
