I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
