She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
