I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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