babies were throwing up all over the place
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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