whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
