I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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