it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
