420 ftw
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
