Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
