The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
