what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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