I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
