so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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