She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
