I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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