Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize