Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
try to milk me bitch
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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