Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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