Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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