U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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