If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
