Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
