I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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