At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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