Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
