i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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